Surgery..

Well, this has been a challenging week. A week ago I was under the knife and scared witless. Didnt know what to expect. It was a week of pain, frustration exhaustion and praying to God for relief.  The first night was agonizing as they were not giving me the right kind of pain meds. I had a pain pump but as soon as I would drift to sleep, I could not push the button, so i would wake up crying. That cycle kept going and going. They finally switched me to oxycotin and perkiset. That was much better. The day after surgery this Physical therapist comes in with the worst attitude. she walks right in, grabs my leg by the ankle & yanks it right out of my CPM (continual passive motion) machine and onto the bed. OUCH!!!!!!!!! What the HECK!!!!!! At that point I wanted to strangle her with my IV.She told me to get over it and that the pain is just going to get worse. I was crying out of control in pain and disbelief. She kept yelling at me that i should trust her because she has a Degree and she knows more than me about what I needed to do.  I DONT CARE! NO ONE comes in and treats me like this. "Are you a single mother?" she asks me.....WHAT, WHERE did that come from and NO Beeeotch! I had enough of her and ordered her our of my room. That was like being in the twilight zone. HORRIBLE DAY!
After that things were ok accept that I could not get any help to get up to go to the bathroom. The nurses were overwhelmed with 15 new patients.  Anyway....BLAH BLAH BLAH....I am home now.

The first two days I spent throwing up. I had not eaten enough to sustain a vicodin regiment. My tummy was a spasm disaster. That is the WORST kind of sick! I couldnt believe how sick I felt. IT felt like a BOMB went off in there.  Some dry toast and chicken broth later, I am doing ok.


My scar


Well, what can i say. I am pretty upset about how big my scar is, but at least they were precise in what they accomplished inside. It is very knarly. For sure, it will be something people notice. Oh well i guess. I will get one to match in a couple weeks.

How am I feeling? Dont know. Dont know what to say. I guess I could say im overwhlemed and all that but everyone knows that already. Just keep us in your prayers. My parents are doing an amazing job with Jackson, but I feel it taxing on my heart. NO mommy wants to be apart from her baby, not doing the things I would normally be doing. Its hard. Just pray that nothing will arise as a complication and that the surgery will take and have a flawless outcome. Thanks.

I have the SWEETEST husband in the WORLD!

 So i get a text today from my darling that says..."check your email". He sent me pictures of our sewing room downstairs that was filled with boxes and all dirty. He had completely turned it into my art room. I mean it must have taken him hours to do all this...move all my art stuff down there and set it up. I started balling when I saw the pictures. To do all that work for me, to work so hard just to surprise me.... sooo thoughtful and special. He set everything up with his own ideas and everything...and thats hard for a guy to do( a straight one anyway). I just had to brag for a moment about how special Ev made me feel today. My heart is sooo filled with thanks to God for the gift of my husband. I love being married to my sweet best friend. Im starting to miss him terribly, but its these little moments of preciousness that get us through! Thank baby and I love you!

  

Jammin' with Grandpa!

   My dad has a little recording studio set up so in attempts to entertain Jackson, they had a jam session. Here are a couple fun pics from that!

Reminiscing...

   Being home has brought back some fun memories of some fun years. I was just thinking about how many amazing gals I have met through the Miss California org! Im pretty sure they make up about 40% of my facebook! Each one of them is truly amazing to me. They have done so many great things with their lives yet we are all sooo different. I learned so much in this program and am very grateful. Here are some fun pictures from my Miss Orange/MIss Beach Cities days...

Knee Journey: Dr. Gorab, First consult

 Ok, so Jackson and I came home to Orange County in order to receive the best medical treatment possible. I had been told by the best dr in blah blah blahblahblah that there is nothing left for me but knee replacements. At Dr. Gorab's office I go fresh xrays to check on deterioration. It was even more devastating than ever. My left knee looks like mush. My patella is completely stuck in my femur. There is so much arthritis that it is pushed down into my bone and glued there. There are sharp shooting edges all over the place and broken off cartilage everywhere. My right knee is not as bad but is on its way. So why you say wont he fix them? Well...mostly because of my age. I guess he has NEVER done one on anybody my age. He said that if I get it done now then I will have to get it done again when im 35-40. Ok, so I should just NOT LIVE till Im 35-40?

  The Plan, per Dr. Gorab

   He strongly advised that I lose as much weight as possible to reduce pressure....Well, DUH! Like I didnt know that and YES I just felt soooo darn good hearing that its MY FAULT for being in so much pain. If ONLY I was skinny, then my bone on bone knees would feel NO pain. Of course I would like to be as skinny as possible for many reasons and I am in the process. So yeah, not a fun thing to hear even though i agree with it 100%. Just sooo much easier said than done. I just feel like compassion for the amount of pain I am in is replaced by judgmental opinions about my weight. And for Petes sake, its not like I have been obese my whole life! No ONE gets knees like mine at my age without something being wrong...OTHER THAN WEIGHT. Soooo, as you can imagine it has been very emotional for me. A TON of tears. All I want to do is cry right now. Im not even sure exactly why anymore. Anyways, I am going to physical therapy 3 times a week as well as starting nutrisystem. Finally, If losing weight and cleaning them out doesnt work then he will think about doing them. He wants me to wait till 2011 when a new technique that he and his team is developing becomes available. Until then...Ill deal I guess

 Im seeing another Dr in LA on Tuesday. Hoping for a more pro-active and compassionate experience.

Anxious....

The past 10 years of knee issues are coming to a head in the next couple months. Im hoping to get some answers to some questions about why my knees have gone so bad and what is the best way to fix them. Im trying to prepare for what might lie ahead but the truth is, is that I have no idea. The only thing I do know is the pain i feel. It has hit Evan and I very hard that we will be once again apart for a long while. We are hoping that he can get some time off to come and visit but have no guarantees. My mentality is that I DO NOT want to come back to Kauai until my knees are fixed. NO going back and forth. Last night we couldnt sleep and it seemed like the longest night ever. We had a great time at church together as a little fam. So special. I played and sang and looked down at my sweet son starring at me, while being held by my adoring husband. Ill never forget that.

 

Turns out that I am also going to go see a rheumatoid Dr. to see if they can find a reason for such early cartilage loss. That could be interesting.

I had been thinking about how long I would have to be gone and I thought, Why dont we just do BOTH knees at the same time. I just want to be OVER this and back in my garden playground. Turns out that the MORTALITY rate (yes, i guess people die from this surgery) is heavily increased. What will happen with that is what Dr's think I can handle I guess. There is very heavy blood loss and I have to give my own blood to be transfused to me during the surgery.

I dont know...Evan and I both are feeling very heavy hearted right now. Kinda discouraged that there is no guarantee, no plan. I feel like I keep having to start over again with new dr's. No one believes that a 26 year old can possibly have this kind of damage...until they cut me open. I just cant take that anymore. Just like I cant internalize this anymore. Who I have become in the past two years is NOTHING like the person I have been my entire life. I have gone from an athlete to an invalid. Its humiliating! I guess Im also very angry at the situation and have a very hard time talking about it without getting all upset. It makes me sooo mad when other people tell me what they think is wrong with me, like Im too fat and thats why my knees hurt so bad. Really? Do you really think that is going to help me overcome my pain in a positive manner? of course, the less weight the less pressure (DUH), but enough is enough and I cant keep being told that my knees will never get better unless im 120lbs. Yes, I LOVE working out and feeling healthy and sexy! Who doesn't? It was a HUGE part of my life, yet I was ALWAYS to big for some people. Im soooo over people who put these kind of pressures on children, young teens and just women in general. When will you understand that IT WILL NOT HELP!!!!!


Anyways, sorry...went a little nuts, but I know a lot of women out there go through the same thing.

As you can tell there are some hard things to think about and decide on. None of this is easy. So thank you for your prayers and support. I am very blessed to have so many loved ones and friends around me and Im beyond grateful for everything they do for me. It humbles me thats for sure.

So, Tuesday night at 1130pm, Jackson and I fly out of Lihue and arrive in John Wayne at 7am. I cant wait to see my fam and more so for them to see how much Jackson has change. They are going to have sooo much fun with him. He is alll laughs, giggles and smiles! Such a blessing and lift to this mommy's day and heart. He brings us so much joy and knows just what to babble to make me feel better.

When it comes down to it, I always try and look on the positive side of this and thats what We have to do. Always keep our eyes on the prize. Push through. Trust the Lord. We can do it and it will be so rewarding.

Dinner Fun

So, since moving here, eating out has become a thing of the past. There are a very limited number of places to go and you can get sick of them very quickly. The other night I made Bacon Cheese burgers, sweet potato fries and french green beans. So yummy and kinda pretty...

Oh 2009, how you will go into history....

We started off our New year one Year ago at an amazing wedding that I helped do. I was about 8 weeks prego and working my butt off to get a dance floor painted in time along with as many flower arrangements as I could as well as decorating the whole church.We had so much fun and Evan was a great help!








We found out Jackson was a BOY!




Next we prepared for Evan to go back to Embry Riddle. He would stay in Arizona with a couple trips home for 2-3 months. He finally was finished and returned home to a very pregnant wife...We were also planning on joining the Navy so that Evan could be a Navy pilot! There was a TON in Limbo at this point!










From May to mid June our lives consisted of trying to find a job for a Evan and preparing for the new addition!






Mid June came around and the doc gave us some bad news. My Blood Pressure was not cooperating so i had to begin fetal monitoring 3 times a week and weekly drs visits.

On June 29 I was admitted into St. Joes. I gained about 5-10 lbs of fluid a day as my kidneys were not working. by the 3rd of July, my body could not take any more trauma and our Precious Son was delivered via C section. At 1051 they cut me open and at 1053am, little 4.0lb Jackson Wade was born, kicking and screaming!


My first time seeing him a day after he was born. I could not leave the hospital because I was hooked up to seizure meds and being monitored every minute...ick!





At 2 days old he contracted a staph infection through his umbilical cord. I had just gotten out of the hospital and that night we got a call at 1am saying that Jackson was septic and his white cell count was down to 20. We were terriffed but also new that since his vital signs had NEVER dropped that he was not in immediate fatal danger. After all he was in the best NICU ever at CHOC for a mere $7,000 a DAY plus extra costs for the staph.




They machine gunned him with antibiotics and found that it was Staph infection of the skin that made him soooo sick! We are pretty sure he contracted it from a nurse. There were soo many people in this little intensive care unit, it was ridiculous! Because of our complaints and a rash of infection outbreaks, there are now NO visitors allowed accept for the child's parents.

All he had to do now was grow and prove to everyone that he was strong enough to hold his own temp and eat enough to get nice and big!





The day after Jackson was born, Evan found out that he got the job with Logan Energy and that we would be moving to Kauai! That was welcoming news because the Navy had been negligent in securing Evan in a career. About 4 days after Jackson was born, I went home...without my baby boy. That was one of the hardest things ever. However, i was still so very sick and weak. Jackson would stay in the NICU for 2 more weeks.


After he came home, there was nothing but growing to do. Our room was pretty much his extended incubator. We had clear orders to keep him "germ safe" till he was 8 weeks old since the swine flu had made its appearance. This was very hard but necessary to do.


Here are a few pics from his first 6 months of life!













So we began our transition to Kauai....We sold the truck



and packed alll of our things to be shipped off to never never land for the next ohhh 45 days.

We made it and have adjusted to life here on the island rather quickly. This is our dream home. It is so calm, relaxed and slow paced. Just what we needed after a long year of craziness!












We started off 2009 with a TON of unanswered questions about life. We were forced to stop TRYING and let God's will take over. Everything seriously happens for a reason. If Evan had gone into the military he would have missed the birth of his first son and the severity of the situation surrounding with regard to my health and I most likely would have been moving to Pensacola Florida with a Preemie. So alone and so unhappy. God knew what we needed as a little family. I could not have gone through all of this without my dear sweet loving husband who I love more than anything in the world...well, maybe Jackson, but thats different haha.

As we look to 2010, there are more challenges ahead. I leave on January 13th with Jackson to return home and have my knees replaced. I have my first consult the 14th in Orange and the 2nd on the 19th in santa Monica with the dr I believe will actually do the surgeries. This is very scary but very exciting for me as I am looking at getting my athletic life back. Not many know the amount of pain I experience on a daily basis. Mostly because I dont talk about it. I decided to not let it control who I am a long time ago. I think now that I am finally looking at freedom of this pain that I am not afraid of writing about it. I hate pity, but need to learn how to draw support from those friends and family around me. So here it goes.

My daily struggles:

sleeping ( my knee joints hit eachother at night while sleeping on my side and i wake up in agonizing pain)
getting out of bed (have to think about it for a moment and motivate myself to brace for the pain)
getting on and off the freaking toilet ( always have to grab something to pull me up)
Getting up from any seated position
Showers are great! BathTubs are HARD!...to sit down in at least, and get up
Going down the stairs, one at a time while death gripping the rail.
Being afraid of falling
making sure I wont need anything else upstairs so I wont have to go back up for it...
Not being able to take Jackson out for morning jogs or at least walks (it was always a dream of mine)
Not being able to walk on the sand without excrutiating pain
NOt being very active.
Not being able to dance very long with my son to soothe him.
Making dinner requires standing and by the end of making a home made dinner Im in so much pain I cant enjoy it with Ev
Ev seeing me so weak
NOt being able to do outdoorsy things with Ev (breaks my heart)
Being in sooo much pain that i fall asleep crying.


Yes, all of these things sound horrible ...and they are, but thats how much better OUR lives are going to be after these surgeries.


So in 2010:

Ev is working in Kauai
Me n the babe are in OC
Im getting fixed up
Ev's whole fam is coming out in July
Jackson is 1!
I turn 27 eeek
Ev turns 28 wow
Katie gets married
We go home for that

And that is as much as I plan ahead!

Hello 2011 !!!

AUR REVOUR 2009! ALOHA 2010!