Anxious....

The past 10 years of knee issues are coming to a head in the next couple months. Im hoping to get some answers to some questions about why my knees have gone so bad and what is the best way to fix them. Im trying to prepare for what might lie ahead but the truth is, is that I have no idea. The only thing I do know is the pain i feel. It has hit Evan and I very hard that we will be once again apart for a long while. We are hoping that he can get some time off to come and visit but have no guarantees. My mentality is that I DO NOT want to come back to Kauai until my knees are fixed. NO going back and forth. Last night we couldnt sleep and it seemed like the longest night ever. We had a great time at church together as a little fam. So special. I played and sang and looked down at my sweet son starring at me, while being held by my adoring husband. Ill never forget that.

 

Turns out that I am also going to go see a rheumatoid Dr. to see if they can find a reason for such early cartilage loss. That could be interesting.

I had been thinking about how long I would have to be gone and I thought, Why dont we just do BOTH knees at the same time. I just want to be OVER this and back in my garden playground. Turns out that the MORTALITY rate (yes, i guess people die from this surgery) is heavily increased. What will happen with that is what Dr's think I can handle I guess. There is very heavy blood loss and I have to give my own blood to be transfused to me during the surgery.

I dont know...Evan and I both are feeling very heavy hearted right now. Kinda discouraged that there is no guarantee, no plan. I feel like I keep having to start over again with new dr's. No one believes that a 26 year old can possibly have this kind of damage...until they cut me open. I just cant take that anymore. Just like I cant internalize this anymore. Who I have become in the past two years is NOTHING like the person I have been my entire life. I have gone from an athlete to an invalid. Its humiliating! I guess Im also very angry at the situation and have a very hard time talking about it without getting all upset. It makes me sooo mad when other people tell me what they think is wrong with me, like Im too fat and thats why my knees hurt so bad. Really? Do you really think that is going to help me overcome my pain in a positive manner? of course, the less weight the less pressure (DUH), but enough is enough and I cant keep being told that my knees will never get better unless im 120lbs. Yes, I LOVE working out and feeling healthy and sexy! Who doesn't? It was a HUGE part of my life, yet I was ALWAYS to big for some people. Im soooo over people who put these kind of pressures on children, young teens and just women in general. When will you understand that IT WILL NOT HELP!!!!!


Anyways, sorry...went a little nuts, but I know a lot of women out there go through the same thing.

As you can tell there are some hard things to think about and decide on. None of this is easy. So thank you for your prayers and support. I am very blessed to have so many loved ones and friends around me and Im beyond grateful for everything they do for me. It humbles me thats for sure.

So, Tuesday night at 1130pm, Jackson and I fly out of Lihue and arrive in John Wayne at 7am. I cant wait to see my fam and more so for them to see how much Jackson has change. They are going to have sooo much fun with him. He is alll laughs, giggles and smiles! Such a blessing and lift to this mommy's day and heart. He brings us so much joy and knows just what to babble to make me feel better.

When it comes down to it, I always try and look on the positive side of this and thats what We have to do. Always keep our eyes on the prize. Push through. Trust the Lord. We can do it and it will be so rewarding.